So I prayed. When things get rough, you pray. When things are good, you pray. I was saved March 2005 in Pensacola, Florida along side my husband. I remember leaving RJ's church after talking to his pastor and asking Michael what it meant to be saved again. I was asking for reassurance that I was really saved. It seemed way to easy I thought. Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved. Ask forgiveness of your sins, believe that Jesus died on that cross and rose again three days later and you will be saved. Could salvation really be that simple? It blew my mind. But as all these questions were surging through my blood, this great weight, burden, was lifted from my shoulders. It was as if I could breathe easier. Now life didn't really change that much. I still did my same old routines but we started attending church regularly once we got back to Tennessee. And the more I went to church to worship our Saviour, the more I fellowshipped with other believers of Christ, the more I studied my Bible, the bigger my relationship grew with Christ.
Now He is my best friend. When something is wrong I talk to Him. When something good happens I talk to Him. Sometimes it feels like He is standing right beside me giving me a hug telling me everything will be okay. I know He has answered my prayers before, but I just didn't see it. I think the first prayer He answered for me was for Sara Elisabeth. She has scoliosis. The doctors said she'd have to wear this awful brace until she was around 12 years old. When she was about 2 1/2 we took her in for a routine check up (the back doctor). He xrayed her back and came out with a huge smile. He said her spine was so straight he couldn't tell her spine had ever been curved. We'd check her again in 6 months and if things were the same we'd get rid of the brace. I'm sure you can imagine how I prayed. Probably not as often as I should've, but way more than I normally did. I prayed for my baby's good health. And at that next six month check up, her spine was still straight. No more brace! Praise my Lord for that!
I prayed this time too. For my test results to come back negative. For this to be something manageable. My prayers were answered. Test results were negative. The one thing I know is that my God answered my prayers again. Amen! God is good.
On another note....I've become addicted to this show called Bones. It's about this FBI agent and a forensic anthropologist that team up to solve murders. Awesome show, you should check it out! Anyways the two main characters, Booth & Brennan were driving along in the car having this discussion about children. Somehow they got on the topic of Abraham (in the Bible). Of God telling Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. The main character in the show, Booth, says he didn't understand how Abraham could go through with it. How if God had directly said to him (Booth) to kill your son for me, he would have said no way, it ain't going to happen.
I have always thought that. I cannot imagine God asking me to sacrifice my girls and actually going through with it. The pain Abraham must've felt with Isaac being his only son. I have three little girls. There is no way I'd kill one of them. I think I would die first. I commend Abraham for his faith. I know my faith is definitely not as strong as Abraham's. I'd like it to be, but I don't think it ever will be. I just couldn't give my babies up willingly.
Well that was a very inspiring entry don't you think?
Friday, September 08, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
Labor Day Musings
As I sit waiting on the water pressure to return so I can take a shower I want to write some of the things that ran through my mind last night as I tried to sleep. As usual I had stayed up half the night, heading towards my bedroom around 4 a.m. Passing the couch where Sara Elisabeth was sleeping, she must've heard me say good night to my dear hubby because up popped her beautiful little head with a gorgeous smile attached. She asked for chocolate milk and she received chocolate milk. After kissing daddy goodnight we were off to bed.
Now Sara Elisabeth has a certain way she likes to fall asleep. First we have to snuggle up in the bed together and then she chooses a body part to be rubbed. I think the very first one was her back. She would say 'Rub my back mommy' in the sweetest little voice and of course I would rub. Now over time we've graduated to legs, arms, belly....I think the oddest part was toes, but being a good mommy I rubbed....lol
Last night's pick was her legs. So as we lay in bed, mommy rubbing her tiny little legs, staring at each other in the quietness, Sara looks over at me and says 'You so pretty'. Just out of the blue like that she said it and it absolutely melted my heart. I said thank you and gave her a kiss and then I told her that she was much prettier than mommy with her big brown eyes and her long, wavy hair. One day my little, precious girl is going to break lots of hearts.
On the flip side I believe that Sara is going to do great things for our Lord Jesus. I can't really explain my belief except for the fact that Sara really adores her Jesus. She likes the Bible songs, she loves loves loves church, she always remembers Him. Even when she was on the potty....She was trying to pee, so I was standing there talking to her explaining that big boys and girls use the potty. I am going through this whole list of names of people we know that use the potty, and Sara jumps in and says 'Jesus uses the potty too?' It's moments like those that make me know.
Now Sara Elisabeth has a certain way she likes to fall asleep. First we have to snuggle up in the bed together and then she chooses a body part to be rubbed. I think the very first one was her back. She would say 'Rub my back mommy' in the sweetest little voice and of course I would rub. Now over time we've graduated to legs, arms, belly....I think the oddest part was toes, but being a good mommy I rubbed....lol
Last night's pick was her legs. So as we lay in bed, mommy rubbing her tiny little legs, staring at each other in the quietness, Sara looks over at me and says 'You so pretty'. Just out of the blue like that she said it and it absolutely melted my heart. I said thank you and gave her a kiss and then I told her that she was much prettier than mommy with her big brown eyes and her long, wavy hair. One day my little, precious girl is going to break lots of hearts.
On the flip side I believe that Sara is going to do great things for our Lord Jesus. I can't really explain my belief except for the fact that Sara really adores her Jesus. She likes the Bible songs, she loves loves loves church, she always remembers Him. Even when she was on the potty....She was trying to pee, so I was standing there talking to her explaining that big boys and girls use the potty. I am going through this whole list of names of people we know that use the potty, and Sara jumps in and says 'Jesus uses the potty too?' It's moments like those that make me know.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Time Is Too Short
Well here it is another night passing; almost 1a.m. and I'm still awake. Miss Sara finally dozed off. She is lying in the floor on her makeshift bed we put together in my bedroom. Her Hermie book is lying next to her as well as her sippy cup of milk. I have got to get our days and nights on track again. Sara didn't make an appearance downstairs until 2:00p.m. today.
I've been battling this depression of sorts again. For days I've just been blah...I could cry at the drop of a hat. I don't know what is causing it; I don't know how to fix it; but I do know that it absolutely sucks! I still miss my dad...I'll always miss my dad. Sometimes lying here at night I close my eyes and try to remember him: the staggering walk he had; the way he would sit with a wet rag on his head when it was a thousand degrees outside; him working on the lawnmower; always buying cookies for the girls; the way he babied Big Em. They are all wonderful memories I'm afraid I'll forget. I keep remembering his last words to me. He had called me to bring his medicine out to him and I was so nauseous but I went anyway. As soon as I got there (I left the babies in the van) and ran in the house tossing his medicine towards him while running to the toilet to puke. When I came out, he was still lying on the couch looking sicker than ever, and he raised his head up and said 'Do you want one of these pills for your upset stomach?' Of course I said yes and I took it, thanked him and left. That was the last time I saw him alive and I can't remember if I told him I loved him. I'm almost positive I did....I never left the house without telling him I loved him. I wished I'd pushed him to go to the hospital...I wished I'd stayed for a little while longer....I wish alot of stuff that doesn't matter now. Lesson learned: Time is too short and you should make the most of it while you have the chance. I just want to remember every detail...
I still need to pack up his things. How am I supposed to do that when it breaks my heart to drive down the road to his house. I wish I could have kept the house. I mean we are still renting it but it's not the same. Right now I can still drive out there and go inside and the memories come flooding back. What will it be like in a year or so when I don't have that option? Will I still remember? I know many others have been in this situation before me and I know they have survived but it's hard. How am I supposed to let go? There are days when I feel so alone, abandoned, orphaned almost. I know I can call people and talk but it's not the same as talking to my parents. I mean for 31 years of my life I talked to one of my parents every day of my life, normally more than once. I've heard it takes 28 days to make a habit; how many days does it take to break a habit? There are still days that I start to pick up the phone to call my dad, and then I remember. I mean even after his death I wanted to pick up the phone and call and tell daddy who died. Does it ever get easier? I know it does because it did with my mom. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days there too....lately alot of them. I guess I'm alright if I don't think about them, especially when I'm feeling like this....it just sucks. Point made.
Miss Emilee has 1/2 day of school tomorrow. I went to tuck her in and give her a good-night kiss earlier. She was already sleeping soundly and when I leaned down to kiss and hug her she just smiled and stretched....still smiling; it was definitely a moment I'll remember. That and Rachel bringing her ba-ba over to me and climbing up to snuggle for the night. Then later Sara snuggling into my arms as I read Hermie to her. It's those moments that keep me going. How could your heart not soar with sweet babies like mine?
Well then there are those moments when you just want to string them up on a nail somewhere...lol For the past few nights when I take Rachels diaper off of her she has been pooping. I swear it's like she's waiting for me to take that diaper off so she can mark another spot in this house. First night it happened her and Sara were in the bathtub. I was getting ready to get Rachel out so I had turned to get her towel. Well I turned around and there was Sara clinging to the wall trying to get away from the floaties. Not funny. Second time it happened was in the bathtub again...this time me and Rachel. I had taken a shower and got her in with me. I got out was getting dried off; turned around and theres Rachel squatting in the tub. Really not funny then. So you'd think I would've learned by now wouldn't you? This was last night. We were in the living room. Sara had done took her diaper off and promptly put it in the trash. Bath time. I got Rachel undressed. They were playing with this toy that Grammy had brought up. I went ahead and took Rachel's diaper off because we were headed to the bathtub. I was talking to Andrew for like a millisecond and all of a sudden he says 'oh gross' and I look down and she has squatted in the living room floor and done her business. Starting to get a complex here! So tonight Rachel made it all the way through bathtime without doing #2 anywhere outside of her diaper. I was so proud. So we get her into a diaper and her jammies, I go back to wash off Sara, and what do I find now....Sara decides if Rachel can poo in the bathtub then so can she. I was livid I tell you. I pulled her out of that tub, trying not to gag, smacked her on the popo, and explained to her that she cannot do that anymore. Then we all went upstairs to the shower to finish our nightly ritual. You know it's these moments that I dread....I think I'll have Michael do bathtime tomorrow night.
I've been battling this depression of sorts again. For days I've just been blah...I could cry at the drop of a hat. I don't know what is causing it; I don't know how to fix it; but I do know that it absolutely sucks! I still miss my dad...I'll always miss my dad. Sometimes lying here at night I close my eyes and try to remember him: the staggering walk he had; the way he would sit with a wet rag on his head when it was a thousand degrees outside; him working on the lawnmower; always buying cookies for the girls; the way he babied Big Em. They are all wonderful memories I'm afraid I'll forget. I keep remembering his last words to me. He had called me to bring his medicine out to him and I was so nauseous but I went anyway. As soon as I got there (I left the babies in the van) and ran in the house tossing his medicine towards him while running to the toilet to puke. When I came out, he was still lying on the couch looking sicker than ever, and he raised his head up and said 'Do you want one of these pills for your upset stomach?' Of course I said yes and I took it, thanked him and left. That was the last time I saw him alive and I can't remember if I told him I loved him. I'm almost positive I did....I never left the house without telling him I loved him. I wished I'd pushed him to go to the hospital...I wished I'd stayed for a little while longer....I wish alot of stuff that doesn't matter now. Lesson learned: Time is too short and you should make the most of it while you have the chance. I just want to remember every detail...
I still need to pack up his things. How am I supposed to do that when it breaks my heart to drive down the road to his house. I wish I could have kept the house. I mean we are still renting it but it's not the same. Right now I can still drive out there and go inside and the memories come flooding back. What will it be like in a year or so when I don't have that option? Will I still remember? I know many others have been in this situation before me and I know they have survived but it's hard. How am I supposed to let go? There are days when I feel so alone, abandoned, orphaned almost. I know I can call people and talk but it's not the same as talking to my parents. I mean for 31 years of my life I talked to one of my parents every day of my life, normally more than once. I've heard it takes 28 days to make a habit; how many days does it take to break a habit? There are still days that I start to pick up the phone to call my dad, and then I remember. I mean even after his death I wanted to pick up the phone and call and tell daddy who died. Does it ever get easier? I know it does because it did with my mom. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days there too....lately alot of them. I guess I'm alright if I don't think about them, especially when I'm feeling like this....it just sucks. Point made.
Miss Emilee has 1/2 day of school tomorrow. I went to tuck her in and give her a good-night kiss earlier. She was already sleeping soundly and when I leaned down to kiss and hug her she just smiled and stretched....still smiling; it was definitely a moment I'll remember. That and Rachel bringing her ba-ba over to me and climbing up to snuggle for the night. Then later Sara snuggling into my arms as I read Hermie to her. It's those moments that keep me going. How could your heart not soar with sweet babies like mine?
Well then there are those moments when you just want to string them up on a nail somewhere...lol For the past few nights when I take Rachels diaper off of her she has been pooping. I swear it's like she's waiting for me to take that diaper off so she can mark another spot in this house. First night it happened her and Sara were in the bathtub. I was getting ready to get Rachel out so I had turned to get her towel. Well I turned around and there was Sara clinging to the wall trying to get away from the floaties. Not funny. Second time it happened was in the bathtub again...this time me and Rachel. I had taken a shower and got her in with me. I got out was getting dried off; turned around and theres Rachel squatting in the tub. Really not funny then. So you'd think I would've learned by now wouldn't you? This was last night. We were in the living room. Sara had done took her diaper off and promptly put it in the trash. Bath time. I got Rachel undressed. They were playing with this toy that Grammy had brought up. I went ahead and took Rachel's diaper off because we were headed to the bathtub. I was talking to Andrew for like a millisecond and all of a sudden he says 'oh gross' and I look down and she has squatted in the living room floor and done her business. Starting to get a complex here! So tonight Rachel made it all the way through bathtime without doing #2 anywhere outside of her diaper. I was so proud. So we get her into a diaper and her jammies, I go back to wash off Sara, and what do I find now....Sara decides if Rachel can poo in the bathtub then so can she. I was livid I tell you. I pulled her out of that tub, trying not to gag, smacked her on the popo, and explained to her that she cannot do that anymore. Then we all went upstairs to the shower to finish our nightly ritual. You know it's these moments that I dread....I think I'll have Michael do bathtime tomorrow night.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Sara Elisabeth's Newest Obsession
So here it is almost 1 a.m. and Sara Elisabeth is still awake demanding to see her Hermie. Actually as I am typing this she is sitting at my side watching the computer saying 'I need my Hermie!' This newest obsession all started when me and the girls went to Mr. K's (Used Books & CD Store) to do some trading. So there we are browsing the childrens section and I found tons of cool inspirational books. Among them was 'Hermie The Common Catapillar'. Well for the past few nights before we go to bed....Sara has been sleeping with me for the past few weeks, sigh....anyway back to before we go to bed, we are going up the stairs and Sara's stops me and says 'I need my Catakillers'....meaning her Hermie the Catapillar book. I love love love hearing her say Catakillars....at least that is almost the way it comes out. It's adorable! We have read the Hermie book every night, sometimes two or three times each night. Well tonight I found a Hermie website with pretty much everything you can imagine Hermie on it....including movie clips. I guess it's time to invest in some Hermie dvd's for my spoiled one...lol
Rachel Michelle....she has two favorite words other than mama and dada and baba...they are uh-oh and hi. So the other night after bathtime Rachel is wandering around the house doing her thing, when all of a sudden I hear her coming towards me. Michael is following laughing all the way. Here is Rachel walking, holding each side of her pants up with her little chubby hands, saying uh-oh. She needed a new diaper....too cute! I want to know how come Rachel knows when she is wet and Sara don't....hmmmmm?
Emilee is having school pictures tomorrow. Her 4th grade school pictures! Where oh where has time gone? It seems just yesterday she was this little tiny thing in kindergarten. Now she is still pretty tiny but all grown up way past her 9 years of age. She knows everything and everyone so she thinks...lol But she is a good girl, a great big sister, and a great daughter too. She's been through alot in her short life...too much for her to have on her plate I think.
Rachel Michelle....she has two favorite words other than mama and dada and baba...they are uh-oh and hi. So the other night after bathtime Rachel is wandering around the house doing her thing, when all of a sudden I hear her coming towards me. Michael is following laughing all the way. Here is Rachel walking, holding each side of her pants up with her little chubby hands, saying uh-oh. She needed a new diaper....too cute! I want to know how come Rachel knows when she is wet and Sara don't....hmmmmm?
Emilee is having school pictures tomorrow. Her 4th grade school pictures! Where oh where has time gone? It seems just yesterday she was this little tiny thing in kindergarten. Now she is still pretty tiny but all grown up way past her 9 years of age. She knows everything and everyone so she thinks...lol But she is a good girl, a great big sister, and a great daughter too. She's been through alot in her short life...too much for her to have on her plate I think.
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