Time Is Too Short

Well here it is another night passing; almost 1a.m. and I'm still awake. Miss Sara finally dozed off. She is lying in the floor on her makeshift bed we put together in my bedroom. Her Hermie book is lying next to her as well as her sippy cup of milk. I have got to get our days and nights on track again. Sara didn't make an appearance downstairs until 2:00p.m. today.

I've been battling this depression of sorts again. For days I've just been blah...I could cry at the drop of a hat. I don't know what is causing it; I don't know how to fix it; but I do know that it absolutely sucks! I still miss my dad...I'll always miss my dad. Sometimes lying here at night I close my eyes and try to remember him: the staggering walk he had; the way he would sit with a wet rag on his head when it was a thousand degrees outside; him working on the lawnmower; always buying cookies for the girls; the way he babied Big Em. They are all wonderful memories I'm afraid I'll forget. I keep remembering his last words to me. He had called me to bring his medicine out to him and I was so nauseous but I went anyway. As soon as I got there (I left the babies in the van) and ran in the house tossing his medicine towards him while running to the toilet to puke. When I came out, he was still lying on the couch looking sicker than ever, and he raised his head up and said 'Do you want one of these pills for your upset stomach?' Of course I said yes and I took it, thanked him and left. That was the last time I saw him alive and I can't remember if I told him I loved him. I'm almost positive I did....I never left the house without telling him I loved him. I wished I'd pushed him to go to the hospital...I wished I'd stayed for a little while longer....I wish alot of stuff that doesn't matter now. Lesson learned: Time is too short and you should make the most of it while you have the chance. I just want to remember every detail...

I still need to pack up his things. How am I supposed to do that when it breaks my heart to drive down the road to his house. I wish I could have kept the house. I mean we are still renting it but it's not the same. Right now I can still drive out there and go inside and the memories come flooding back. What will it be like in a year or so when I don't have that option? Will I still remember? I know many others have been in this situation before me and I know they have survived but it's hard. How am I supposed to let go? There are days when I feel so alone, abandoned, orphaned almost. I know I can call people and talk but it's not the same as talking to my parents. I mean for 31 years of my life I talked to one of my parents every day of my life, normally more than once. I've heard it takes 28 days to make a habit; how many days does it take to break a habit? There are still days that I start to pick up the phone to call my dad, and then I remember. I mean even after his death I wanted to pick up the phone and call and tell daddy who died. Does it ever get easier? I know it does because it did with my mom. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days there too....lately alot of them. I guess I'm alright if I don't think about them, especially when I'm feeling like this....it just sucks. Point made.

Miss Emilee has 1/2 day of school tomorrow. I went to tuck her in and give her a good-night kiss earlier. She was already sleeping soundly and when I leaned down to kiss and hug her she just smiled and stretched....still smiling; it was definitely a moment I'll remember. That and Rachel bringing her ba-ba over to me and climbing up to snuggle for the night. Then later Sara snuggling into my arms as I read Hermie to her. It's those moments that keep me going. How could your heart not soar with sweet babies like mine?

Well then there are those moments when you just want to string them up on a nail somewhere...lol For the past few nights when I take Rachels diaper off of her she has been pooping. I swear it's like she's waiting for me to take that diaper off so she can mark another spot in this house. First night it happened her and Sara were in the bathtub. I was getting ready to get Rachel out so I had turned to get her towel. Well I turned around and there was Sara clinging to the wall trying to get away from the floaties. Not funny. Second time it happened was in the bathtub again...this time me and Rachel. I had taken a shower and got her in with me. I got out was getting dried off; turned around and theres Rachel squatting in the tub. Really not funny then. So you'd think I would've learned by now wouldn't you? This was last night. We were in the living room. Sara had done took her diaper off and promptly put it in the trash. Bath time. I got Rachel undressed. They were playing with this toy that Grammy had brought up. I went ahead and took Rachel's diaper off because we were headed to the bathtub. I was talking to Andrew for like a millisecond and all of a sudden he says 'oh gross' and I look down and she has squatted in the living room floor and done her business. Starting to get a complex here! So tonight Rachel made it all the way through bathtime without doing #2 anywhere outside of her diaper. I was so proud. So we get her into a diaper and her jammies, I go back to wash off Sara, and what do I find now....Sara decides if Rachel can poo in the bathtub then so can she. I was livid I tell you. I pulled her out of that tub, trying not to gag, smacked her on the popo, and explained to her that she cannot do that anymore. Then we all went upstairs to the shower to finish our nightly ritual. You know it's these moments that I dread....I think I'll have Michael do bathtime tomorrow night.

Sara Elisabeth's Newest Obsession

So here it is almost 1 a.m. and Sara Elisabeth is still awake demanding to see her Hermie. Actually as I am typing this she is sitting at my side watching the computer saying 'I need my Hermie!' This newest obsession all started when me and the girls went to Mr. K's (Used Books & CD Store) to do some trading. So there we are browsing the childrens section and I found tons of cool inspirational books. Among them was 'Hermie The Common Catapillar'. Well for the past few nights before we go to bed....Sara has been sleeping with me for the past few weeks, sigh....anyway back to before we go to bed, we are going up the stairs and Sara's stops me and says 'I need my Catakillers'....meaning her Hermie the Catapillar book. I love love love hearing her say Catakillars....at least that is almost the way it comes out. It's adorable! We have read the Hermie book every night, sometimes two or three times each night. Well tonight I found a Hermie website with pretty much everything you can imagine Hermie on it....including movie clips. I guess it's time to invest in some Hermie dvd's for my spoiled one...lol


Rachel Michelle....she has two favorite words other than mama and dada and baba...they are uh-oh and hi. So the other night after bathtime Rachel is wandering around the house doing her thing, when all of a sudden I hear her coming towards me. Michael is following laughing all the way. Here is Rachel walking, holding each side of her pants up with her little chubby hands, saying uh-oh. She needed a new diaper....too cute! I want to know how come Rachel knows when she is wet and Sara don't....hmmmmm?

Emilee is having school pictures tomorrow. Her 4th grade school pictures! Where oh where has time gone? It seems just yesterday she was this little tiny thing in kindergarten. Now she is still pretty tiny but all grown up way past her 9 years of age. She knows everything and everyone so she thinks...lol But she is a good girl, a great big sister, and a great daughter too. She's been through alot in her short life...too much for her to have on her plate I think.